She was the history trying to slip into my present. I
remember how she looked and moved the first time I saw her. I felt the softness
of her skin the first time I touched her. She moved me out into the
sunlight. I had been a master of the dark. Stealing myself away from the chance
of being myself with anyone. I would
have daydreams of her. I would have night dreams of us. She was the
untouchable. She was my deepest craving. She would look at me from across the
room. Her eyes bore into my soul. It frightened me. I yearned for her closeness,
to feel her words on my cheek, and inhaled her earthy aroma.
It was the year of the last of our youth. When things seemed
obtainable and risk taking was just a joy ride. She dared me to venture outside
of myself, to reach for the unreachable. And laughed at my effort as we laid in
the sun. She was a provocateur. The grand gesture. All the while hiding the one
thing she wanted most. I was content to have time with her. I was her
protector, her obelisk, her stalwart.
It was an awkward time. Growing into adults while holding
onto childhood. We stumbled around each other. Never quite sure of the
movements. Never crossing that line. Always wanting to take the jump. So, there
we stood, face to face, and relished that moment. So assured that we would make
time stand still and be in a moment of trueness. How naive, how ridiculous
and yet there we stood, believing in the never-ending story.
Now-we are no longer standing in that moment. We moved from
that youthful endeavor. She moved into another life from mine, and I never
forgot that moment. I held it in my heart. I stood in a new moment, and it took
root. I am still standing in it. I saw her on a street corner as if time had
never passed. I remembered that touch. I mused to myself and turned to walk away
when I heard that familiar voice. I turned and we stood face to face. I saw the youthful moment fade away. I smiled and lightly touched her
face. As I turned to walk away, she whispered, "It was always you that I longed
for.” I whispered back. “I know.”
Now, in this moment I no longer feel dark but full of light.
She gave me the light. Every night I drift off to sleep, I say my little
prayer of thank you.
LAL ©
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