The History of Now

She was the history trying to slip into my present. I remember how she looked and moved the first time I saw her. I felt the softness of her skin the first time I touched her. She moved me out into the sunlight. I had been a master of the dark. Stealing myself away from the chance of being myself with anyone.  I would have daydreams of her. I would have night dreams of us. She was the untouchable. She was my deepest craving. She would look at me from across the room. Her eyes bore into my soul. It frightened me. I yearned for her closeness, to feel her words on my cheek, and inhaled her earthy aroma.

It was the year of the last of our youth. When things seemed obtainable and risk taking was just a joy ride. She dared me to venture outside of myself, to reach for the unreachable. And laughed at my effort as we laid in the sun. She was a provocateur. The grand gesture. All the while hiding the one thing she wanted most. I was content to have time with her. I was her protector, her obelisk, her stalwart.

   

It was an awkward time. Growing into adults while holding onto childhood. We stumbled around each other. Never quite sure of the movements. Never crossing that line. Always wanting to take the jump. So, there we stood, face to face, and relished that moment. So assured that we would make time stand still and be in a moment of trueness. How naive, how ridiculous and yet there we stood, believing in the never-ending story.

Now-we are no longer standing in that moment. We moved from that youthful endeavor. She moved into another life from mine, and I never forgot that moment. I held it in my heart. I stood in a new moment, and it took root. I am still standing in it. I saw her on a street corner as if time had never passed. I remembered that touch. I mused to myself and turned to walk away when I heard that familiar voice. I turned and we stood face to face. I saw the youthful moment fade away. I smiled and lightly touched her face. As I turned to walk away, she whispered, "It was always you that I longed for.” I whispered back. “I know.”

Now, in this moment I no longer feel dark but full of light. She gave me the light. Every night I drift off to sleep, I say my little prayer of thank you.

LAL ©

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